Sunday, 7 January 2007

Torchwood: Frekerized

(The Torchwood staff walk into the entrance of the Hub. They all crowd around the meeting table on the first floor, realizing that they let a pizza go cold. They all stare at it until Gwen speaks up.)

Gwen: Oor nor! Jack! Theres a cowld pizza here!
(Gwen points at cold pizza on table)
Jack: Hot damn! there is, Gwen!
(Jack points at table enthusiastically for no real apparent reason)
Ianto: I'll just go and reheat it.
(Ianto walks out of Meeting Room to and falls down the stairs on a loose tube of 'lube)
Toshiko: We have no oven. Nor microwave.
(Owen steals pizza from Toshiko's hands)
Owen: Ahh, you idiots! We can just cook it in the fucking rift inducer!
(Owen inserts pizza in rift-inducer)
Jack: Thats not a good idea. That is NOT a good idea...I tell you, Owen!!!! thats not a...
(Jack points at Owen angrily as if Jack is the law, and thats that.)

(Owen inserts the cold pizza into the rift inducer, the Hub starts shaking and trembling.)
Gwen: Oh-wen! (Gwen gasps) What have you dorn?

The team all blackout.

(Torchwood intro plays)

Team is woken by a old cleaner mopping up.

Jack: Where the hell are we?
Cleaner: Well, young, mysterious, stereotypically, yank-man, you're in 'the shop'.
Jack: 'The shop'?
Cleaner: The only place on Earth to buy things of course!
Gwen: Whaay-t, are you trying to sahy that this is the own-lee place that we can buy things?
Cleaner: Everything! From washing up liquid, socks, cars and even Weapons of mass destruction however, we don't sell ties.
(Ianto straightens up and falls on his knees, puts face in his hands and begins to scream)
Ianto: Nooooooooo!!! This isn't Earth! This isn't the Earth I know!!
Jack: It can't, it can't...
Toshiko: Its a universe where you buy everything in a catalogue store like 'Argos'!
Owen: Grr...Aw, shit.
Gwen: Its oh-kay, its orh-kay, I've got experience, I had to pick up a beer mini-fridge for Rheey-ss his birthday like this once.
Jack: Is there nothing this girl can't do? Woo! You AMAZE me, Gwen!
(Jack dances, spinning around and points his finger at Gwen whilst grinning with his pearl white teeth)
Gwen: Ye-ahs, turn a gay man straight, it seems...
Ianto: B-b-buy something! Give it a try!
Owen: Yeah! buy some porn or a double ended dildo for those two lovers here!
(Owen points at Ianto and Jack.)
Toshiko: Buy Scientific Weekly! See if the common cold has been cured!
Owen: Porn!
Toshiko: Scientific Weekly!
Owen: Porn! Fucking porn!
Toshiko: Scientific Weekly!...
(Jack opens arms out wide and shouts)
Jack: FOR GADS SAKE! PEOPLE! Gwen, just buy the damn Karma Sutra, then everyones happy!
Ianto: Theres many things that you can do with a copy of the Karma Sutra...
Gwen: Lyyy-ke wot?
Owen: Read it and tug off in the shitter...(Owen grins evilly),of course.(Continues grinning like a twat)


Next Episode: Gwen reads the pages of a catelogue when a picture of 'George Foreman's Mean Green Grilling Machine' comes to life and attempts to threaten Gwens life and cook Owens gonads...Ianto falls into a unescapable ball pit in the childrens area, and Toshiko falls in love with a lifesize model of Anne Robinson whilst Jack enters as a contestant on 'Super Market Sweep' to try to snog Dale Winton when he's not paying attention.

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