Saturday, 3 March 2007

P+Popu #1

Pockets and Purses of Parallel Universes;
Tale One
Martyn Eker

Jack sat in his room pondering his existence; why he was born, what he will do, what will be his purpose? He looked at the clock in the corner of the room, the hands moved accordingly.
"No hopes of time pausing, then" He thought; also accordingly. "If only there was some way I could find out a basic insight of his future..." This was an astonishing thought, or so Jack thought anyway, it'd probably had occurred to either of us previously sometimes in our lives, but Jack, well, this was his first time.
You see, Jack was a little of a virgin in philosophy and didn't really think of many worthwhile things about existence, the future and the universe. If he had, he would of gone stark raving bonkers, feeding cats soap carvings cut with a scalpel, like Mr Williams the elder did down the road.
Jack's life wasn't the most exciting life in retrospect, he was born, he got a videogame system, he got a newer videogame system, he had his first kiss (from a clingy girl he couldn't stand), he bought his own video console with the wages that he got for washing used Icelolly-sticks...employed by the asformentioned senile Mr Williams at Number 5, had a girlfriend for three months, got dumped for his female cousin during summer and then moved into his little cramped flat after completing an IT course. Since then, Jack hasn't had much luck, probably to do with his countless procrastinating, but his life seemed so aimless, that wouldn't of helped anyway.
Jack stopped thinking because his head hurt like a lousy construction worker falling off scaffolding, into a cement mixer and being steamrolled (in his new anthro-cement form) onto a new motorway bypass just outside a little village called Duckley. Jack went to check his 'Big-Brother-is-watching-you-free-online-Internet-email-account', scrolled down the page which was an infinity of 'Free Penis Enlargements' and pointless emails instructing him to reply to a reply on a forum that he replied to, based on a reply; approximately 2 months ago.
However, glancing down the page one certain email grabbed his attention. ' Find out the future...TODAY!', Jack moved his cursor hovering over the email title, index finger twitching, about to click,
"one click and all shall be revealed".
In Jack's mind, this feeling of anticipation reminded him of Christmas in the past; Running down the stairs (Scrolling the page), Seeing the presents under the tree (Scrolling through and reading email titles), Skip over to a present (Hover mouse over, his current stage in this story of gripping and thrilling anticipation..) open the present (Click left mouse button), Find out its a jumper from gran that makes him look like a one-eyed, 6 legged candidate for a alien in the new series of Doctor Who (Catches virus).
This time there was no virus, the email contained a hyperlink.
The little quiz master in Jack's head spoke, clenching teeth in a forced grin, "He could still be going for that all-inclusive behind the scenes look at Doctor Who..."
Hyperlink clicked, silence, the little animation on his browser moved, moved, then looped, looped again, looped a little more...Jack cast his mind back to all the times he had 'cooked' something in the microwave and waited;
Only a fool would wait for a meal to be cooked in a microwave, because microwaves and human eyes witnessing them just so happen to trigger a freak space-time dilation, noticed only by those in the path of heat and energy of the microwaves...The numbers never change and the dial doesn't move until 'the watcher' simply looks away from it. One could try to watch the meal get cooked, but its against the 'First Law of Microwave Space-Time Dilation', if one can prove this law wrong, they are truly superhuman and can probably fly around the world to turn back time and save his/hers partner from an earthquake.

The hyperlink loaded, Jack stared at the screen, his eyes started watering, he hadn't closed his eyes for the last two hours. He blinked, his cheeks were flooded with excess water from his tear ducts, He felt a lot better, only problem was that if someone knocked at the door now, it would look like he just got knee'd in the groin or sprayed with Mace by a girl in defence of his actions.
' WWW.CHRONOOGLE.COM ' was the page that had loaded, it was all flashy, calcium white, state of the art design. Jack had never seen such a cleverly designed website, with frames, tabs and NO POPUPS.
In the middle of the page a lone white box sat, asking to be searched. Jack starred at the white box, wiping the excess water off his cheeks, wondering what he should 'Search'
Letters started slowly appearing on the screen and accelerating as Jack typed, "C H R O N O OGLE", the white box three quarters filled with text, Jack clicked on the big button saying 'Search!'; like a giant Satanic beast leaning over his shoulder, urging him to click.
A list of results popped up, most of which had no significance except the third one down, claiming to of originated from a online editable encyclopedia.

Chronoogle from Ticktockopedia;

'Chronoogle...a site established in 2030, using the speed of electricity...advanced broadband...connect and search through time...named after the Greek god Chrono's...Chronoogle has over...hits a day, more popular than...Phil Collins...adapted version of...Slap My Bitch Up in 2065...grand piano'

After reading pages leading onto events that will take place in the near future, astonished at the outcome and conspiracies revealed in the future and reading up the super band comprising of the reanimated corpses of T-Rex, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix and John Lennon, Jack couldn't help but type his name up.

His full name typed into the box, Jack searched away, and found out who his future friends will be, who would be his 5th wife and how many kids he will of brought into the world by the age of 30.
After a full two hours, Jack clicked on one last link, linking to a news item with his name, all of a sudden, the page's layout changed. Everything vanished. Another site turned up on the same URL, asking if he searched for 'penis enlargements' and 'big busty XXX porn'.
Disappointed, Jack leaned back in his chair.
Jack walked into the kitchen, opened the freezer, picked out a microwavable pie and tried to break 'The First Law of Microwave Space-Time Dilation', this didn't work, and stood there for what appeared to him and to be accurately measured as 3 days. The microwave ding'ed, Jack walked out of the kitchen, fork in hand, about to taste the delicacy of the pie.
Jack walked through his doorway eating the pie, Jack looked up. This wasn't his room, his room wasn't a darkroom with a giant wide mirror on one side of the wall.
Jack stood in the spot in shock, fork in hand, 2cm away from his mouth.
"Do not be alarmed, Jack!"
Light was let into the room.
"It was a success!" shouted another voice.
The mirror wall disintegrated, a man in a white coat ran out, "Congratulations Sir! Welcome to the future!"
"The future is now?" Jack questioned.
"You could say that, but your present is then." The man in the white coat replied.
A slender woman screamed through the speakers either side of the wall "Welcome to the main headquarters of Chronoogle!"
"Now..." the man walked over to Jack, hands behind his back, "We know you may not know yet, but you, you my man, you are the creator of the algorithm for Chronoogle."
Jack stared at the man.
"I told them about this, Y'know, I really did." He turned around at the other scientists removing their goggles. "Right, you, when we send you back are going to invent Chronoogle." The man continued. Jack looked confused than ever.
"Right, you, when we send you back are going to inv..." Jack interrupted.
"I heard you, I'm just a little confused, how?"
All of a sudden a filing cabinet burst through the wall.
"Hello!" the filing cabinet spoke, wagging its tail. "I will explain all! Come with me!"
The filing cabinet hopped down the corridor skillfully avoiding photocopiers and enormous computers that looked very important, with everyone greeting the cabinet;
"Good Morning!"
"Good Afternoon, sir!"
The cabinet was about to crash right into a door when it opened like a garage, Jack followed, everyone starred at him, cold deep meaningless stares. Jack walked through the passage.
"Ah, Jack!" The filing cabinets top draw moved like a jaw, "We know a lot about you, possibly a lot more that you know." The filing cabinet somehow managed to grin.
A mechanical arm moved out the side of a little hatch in the filing cabinet as it reached over its own top draw and pulled a file out of its own mouth. "Uph, og, fumg, gack."
The filing cabinet paused, as it pulled out the file properly, "Sorry, so rude of me, should never talk with a mouth full."
Jack down, both hands clutching at chair.
The cabinet continued, "Wellll...Jack." the filing cabinet paused "Jack, Jack, Jack..."
Jack replied, "Yes, thats my full name, my mother was a obsessive compulsive."
"I should know." Said the filing cabinet.
"Mmm, yes, you do happen to be a filing cabinet with information of me contained inside of you." Jack paused, realising he may of insulted the green bulky filing cabinet towering over him sat in front of the desk.
"You see, Jack." the filing cabinet continued, "I'm you."
Jack stared.
"There was an accident one day just outside my house whilst I was running without looking, I can't remember why," the filing cabinet paused, "and next thing I knew, I was brought alive during a experiment as a a filing cabinet and with all this information contained in me, I was able to know the secrets of space, time, the Internet, the world and the universe, hence inventing Chronoogle."
Jacks eyebrows rose half a centimetre. The future cabinet'y version of Jack and Vintage Jack sat in silence.
Jack lowered the power of grip against his chair, moved his left foot and began to run. Jack ran down the corridor with everyone looking at him strangely...again crashing into at least five people holding mugs of coffee and tripping over paperwork on the floor, Jack continued running into the room where he had originally materialized from before he was mentored by his future filing cabinet self.
The filing cabinet hopped towards the entrance, "Jack, I understand, I knew how I reacted when I saw myself. Its a shock, I know, but don't go!"
Jack vanished, still running.
The scientists gathered round the filing cabinet, "We don't know where the teleportation was calibrated, he could arrive anywhere."
The filing cabinets head moved up, "Shit, now I remember."

The policeman looked at Mr Williams car, holding a notebook. "So you say, Mr Williams, He came from nowhere?"
"Yes, sir, he just, appeared."
The policeman licked the end of his pencil "Right, what you're saying, this man you ran over, materialized running out of his front door?"
"Yes." The policeman's eyebrow rose half a centimetre.
The policeman picked up his walkie-talky, "Phone the RSPCA, we've got some cats coughing bubbles to take care of."

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